Worst. Movie. Evah!

By Kathy G.

Man oh man, does this movie sound like a gigantic steaming cinematic turd for the ages, or what? Titled An American Carol, it's something of an updated, Americanized version of A Christmas Carol -- but with an uber-wingnut twist:

In it, filmmaker Michael Malone (Kevin "brother of Chris" Farley [what, was Jim Belushi not available?]) and his organization MoveAlong.org are trying to repeal the Fourth of July when three angels—the Angel of Death, George S. Patton, and George Washington—come to him and convince him to change his ways.

It features an all-star cast of Hollywood wingnuts: Kelsey Grammer as Patton and Jon Voight as George Washington, as well as James Woods and Dennis Hopper in supporting roles. We'll be treated to scenes like these:

Fat-assed Malone travels to Cuba, pledges to destroy America, and takes advantage of the invisibility granted by ghost status by grabbing a protestor's boobs. . . Terrorists led by everybody's favorite pockmarked tough guy Robert Davi bitch that they're low on suicide bombers ("All the good ones are gone!") and all answer to the name Mohammed. In a scene that Sokoloff described, but didn't bring, Patton and his soldiers storm a courthouse that's about to remove the Ten Commandments and start opening fire on the people trying to stop them

As well as this:

David Alan Grier plays a slave in a scene designed to show Malone what might have happened if the United States had not fought the Civil War. As Patton explains to a dumbfounded Malone that the plantation they are visiting is his own, Grier thanks the documentarian for being such a humane owner. As they leave, another slave, played by Gary Coleman, finishes polishing a car and yells "Hey, Barack!" before tossing the sponge to someone off-camera.

But I confess that this scene sounds like the awesomest one of all:

In a clip we saw, Washington takes Malone to St. Paul's Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and "freedom of speech, which you abuse." Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest's box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. "This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!" bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he's just making movies. Washington won't have it. "Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?"

The film is being promoted by conservative groups. At a recent event at the Heritage Foundation, cards were distributed to the audience:

If I fill out the card, I can take one of four pledges, such as "Yes, I will send the trailer to my contacts" and "Yes, I want to be AN AMERICAN CAROLER or THEATER CAPTAIN." It's an induction to a movement, as the slogan on the card makes clear: "Finally, a movie for us."

There are basically two kinds of really, really bad movies: on the one hand, there's the kind that are so unrelievedly awful that they're a hoot to watch (think Glen or Glenda or Valley of the Dolls). On the other hand, there are the ones that are so excruciating that they're not even fun (Robert Redford's Lions for Lambs is the most recent film I've seen that falls into this category). Unfortunately, An American Carol will probably fall into the latter category. Nothing says FAIL like mirthless, unfunny comedy.

The really sad thing is, the director of the film is David Zucker, one of the team responsible for Airplane!, a movie I love, and one which continues to give me great pleasure every time I watch it. Zucker apparently is a former liberal who's become one of those unfortunate "9/11 changed everything" types.

Why is it that becoming a wingnut seems to make so many people lose their sense of humor? I don't think being a conservative in and of itself means you can't be funny. South Park certainly has a recognizably right-wing perspective but that doesn't prevent it from being frequently hilarious (though it tends to be at its least funny when it's being most polemical). But most attempts at right-wing humor -- think Dennis Miller, The Half Hour News Hour, John McCain's "jokes" about Chelsea Clinton and gorilla rape, "GOP Comedy Night," etc. -- are  a bloody disgrace.

It probably has to do, first of all, with how truly nasty most conservative "humor" is, and secondly, with how dependent it is on your being part of their little cult and having imbibed each and every tenet of the wingnut catechism. If you were drinking the conservative Kool-Aid, the "purple heart" band-aids the G.O.P. delegates wore at the 2004 convention were freaking hysterical, I guess. But to the rest of us the people wearing them just looked like mean-spirited jackasses.

H/T: Jeff Fecke

Comments

[Boronx]

Sounds like satire.

[DragonScholar]

I've analyzed humor about this before, and I think it comes down to this.

Really funny humor is still connected to it's source. Mystery Science Theater mocked the heck out of movies - but also we loved those cheesy movies. The Daily Show can mock people mercilessly, yet can strangely find their humanity as well. Good humor also is able to laugh at itself - there's often a 'there but for the grace of God go I' element to it.

This kind of humor is attack humor. It's egocentric. It's got no connection to what it is parodying. It's nasty, cruel, and only works for people in a certian mindset. Ergo, its not exactly "funny" in the broadest sense it is, AT BEST, an inside joke.

For good humor I always reccomend The Venture Brothers, a parody of old cartoons that veers into homage, and shows great affection for what it does. It is fully capable of mocking Johnny Quest one moment, then suddenly making you see its characters as very human.

[Brian Schmidt]

Dragon - affectionate humor is just one type. The best Daily Show stuff I remember is when Cheney shot Whittington, especially the discussion of whether Cheney would accept Whittington's apology. Not too much affection there, and it was great.

Re South Park - they're libertarian, not standard conservative, and take funny potshots at every political angle except the libertarian politics (which would be really funny to take shots at, but for some unexplained reason they skip it).

[Bruce Baugh]

I've encountered the argument that satire is at heart a weapon of the weak against the strong - it's a thing you do when lots of other channels are closed. Certainly that's often how it's been used, past and present. But the conservative movement is all about protecting the privileges of the powerful. Its satire is the strong against the weak, and that's basically just bullying. It doesn't matter if they feel filled with resentment and persecution, the fact is that it's their bosses who are running the show, and their efforts to mock the rest of us are at heart nothing more tools for suppressing challenges.

[Susan of Texas]

I think good comedy points out something true about people, often something we all have in common. We laugh at the recognition of a part of ourselves and/or our society. Thus (as already said) you have to be able to laugh at yourself, recognize yourself, and see yourself in other people. Conservatives don't do that.

[Quicksand]

Kathy, you misspelled "Best" in your headline. It will be like a documentary of conservative depravity.

Who's bringing the popcorn?

[Another Luke]

YES, re: Venture Brothers.

[John D.]

You know, satire doesn't have to be "fair", but it has to be real; For satire to be effective, it absolutely has to be honest: If you have a target you want to savage, even in a zanily humorous light, you have to present it in an accurate way in order to point out how wrong it is...Based on the above report, this upcoming Flaming Turd of a Film isn't even remotely accurate. It's filled with the usual lies and projection we've come to expect from the American right wing.

It's propaganda, not comedy, and certainly not "satire".

[thetruth]

The best comedy comes from pointing out the foibles and hypocrisies of your target. Not from just making shit up, then trying to make fun of the made up shit.

Conservatives claim liberals want to abolish the 4th of July. Thus conservatives are claiming liberals hate the USA.

This is fundamentally untrue. This is fundamentally dishonest. Liberals love our country as much as anyone. This is why conservatives are fundamentally unfunny. They are fundamentally untrue.

When conservatism develops fundamental honesty at its core, instead of being based around a lie, it will start to learn to be truly funny.